hello.
it is funny how advice comes to you. minutes ago, i was yelling at jolin for something she did at school and in the shouting i heard myself talking to me.

"you must be brave."
"you are not what they all say you are."
"I know it is hard because you really feel like doing it. But when that happens, pray or run or tell somebody about it."
"what is right is never easy. still, we must do what is right."

I don't know what should i do with myself. It only starts to get confusing whenever i decide to fight my monster. That's why giving in is much easier, your conscience is silenced. I hate this. I hate knowing that i am not where i am supposed to be, it feels like walking into the toy section when your mother told you to stay put while she goes to pick up some shoes. After some time, you realize you are lost but the color and noise of the toys distract you. The anxiety of not finding your way back is coated by that layer of excitement of the toys. You play along knowing two endings: one, mother will find you eventually and you'll get it big time. two, the toys would get boring eventually and then what will you do, if your mother still can't find you?

Right now, i just tell myself to worry about mother later. I pick up a toy and move on to another. In the process of moving to another toy, a brief moment of fear seeps in, but it soon gets coated again by the new toy... A game i play with myself, a lie that i tell myself. I procrastinate my fear.

what is right is never easy,
still i must do what is right.
sigh.